


broken clockwork

by Soyverin



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Alcohol, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Child Abuse, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, Past Rape/Non-con, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:27:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29133306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Soyverin/pseuds/Soyverin
Relationships: Dave Strider & Karkat Vantas, John Egbert/Dave Strider
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	broken clockwork

do you know the feeling

the feeling of when hes looking at you with those fiery orange eyes  
you can tell theyre clouded with lust even with his shades on  
that's alarming enough..

but hes your goddamn brother

\---

you sit in your room at 2am in the dark  
why are you up? fuck well if you could try to go to sleep you would;  
as much as youd wanna claim to your friends its just a result of your coolness that you end up staying awake at ungodly hours, its really just insomnia  
and horror terrors  
and maybe just the tiniest bit of paranoia 

well  
it is that time of the week  
or at least... you think it is (?)  
you lost count of the days  
what even is the point of tracking them?

the door creaks open and slams back shut  
effectively shaking you out of your sleep deprived stupor 

with a chill dread fills your entire body  
your hands are shaky and your limbs heavy  
when did you become all sweaty and your hands clammy ?  
your head is filled with cloudy recognition  
your nauseous because your body *knows* what will happen next  
its happened before and itll happen again  
your chest is tight  
how do you breath again? 

fuck

' davey ' he calls

you hate that name  
davey. feminine, condescending, demeaning.  
he only uses it when hes like this,  
fresh out of the club and drunk off his ass  
if you came even tried to close distance between the two of you, without a doubt you could smell the alcohol on him  
the acidity that burns a despaired souls throat and silences anything rational  
its poison  
and nothing more

you steel yourself as you get up, trying to use the years of practice he's given you to remain indifferent  
uneffected  
untouchable  
*unreachable*

he plops himself down on the futon as you walk in from the hallway

he asks you to get another beer from the fridge

you say yes, curt and toneless  
going to the fridge as you brace yourself to jump back from all the swords kept there

despite having mostly swords instead of food in the fridge there has and will always be a few beers  
the only item he actively tries to keep in stalk 

you take one and give it to him

then you try to silently slip back into your room 

he doesnt let you  
and you know itll be worse if your resist  
he asks you to sit in his lap  
you comply 

he asks you many things that night  
and you dont have it in you to refuse 

\---

sometimes he'll video you  
hot shame courses through you because you feel weak and vulnerable  
you arent suppose to be  
when he does things like this to you  
its a conflicting feeling  
pleasure yet disgust as bile bubbles up in your throat  
he mocks you as well, telling you ' yes davey if you didn't like that you wouldn't be %}£]{*{ like that you $@!?3 '  
your trying to convince yourself you dont like it  
its fucked up  
its **wrong**  
but it feels good  
but it doesnt 

\---

you slip into the shower afterwards

you feel tainted  
and not in the way where scars from strifes and others littered your body  
or the way dirt and grime would eventually build up 

no

its like a ghost  
a ghost slowly sliding its hands down your hips  
whispering into your ear with its alcohol heavy breath  
you realized you probably couldve prevented this all  
maybe if you tried a little harder  
spoke a little softer  
worded things differently and had more tact  
be less of a disappointment  
be stronger  
be well behaved  
be  
be...  
something  
you could've stopped this  
this is your fault  
your broken  
and ...  
dirty  
the kind of dirt you cant scrub off  
no matter how hard you scrub or how searingly hot you turn the water 

it hurts to think 

\----

the best part about these times is afterwords hes sweet  
hes brotherly and caring  
hell get you doritos and aj or other little gifts  
buy you both takeout feeding you and spending time with you  
whether it be gaming, rapping or some other cool shit  
you bask in it  
you adore this time  
him..  
being..  
being *affectionate* with you  
being kind  
being what you'd wish he'd be more often

the worst part is the inconsistency  
you never know when itll happen or why  
its spontaneous and keeps you on edge  
rose might say that's paranoia  
but you think that's a little extreme  
but it's true, everything about this all keeps you alert and prepared  
which might have been the point  
building up fast reflexes or some bullshit like that 

but then after the bad and the good it becomes normal  
and then the cycle repeats itself  
sometimes spanning from just a few days to a month

your aching all over and youve just lost your meal (if you could call half a bottle of aj that) , you can't handle this anymore  
your sick  
your tainted  
your  
...

but he loves you  
he told you while he was ...  
yeah  
but he said it  
he did  
and you wanted *nothing* more than his approval and affection  
he was- is your idol 

and plus  
this is normal right?  
every kid had to go through this type of thing  
right?  
that's what you thought 

though your friends never really hinted at going through what you did  
you payed no mind  
because yknow it wasnt exactly the greatest conversation topic 

because really nothing was amiss in the strider household 

thats what you believed  
which can seem weird in a normal or even just fucking semi normal persons perspective

but youve known nothing else

sure bro got a little tougher with you when you were... 4 or 5?  
but its because you were becoming a man  
old enough to hold a sword  
even a mini one  
meant a great deal to him 

\---

you realized there a way to devise a schedule , the days you'd suffer and get rewarded after  
giving yourself a sense of control

despite your weird relationship with your bro  
you started to actively greet him when he came back home  
and offered him a beer  
or two  
or five  
(and trying to ignore that creeping fear and dread  
yet this is the price you have to pay)

it was better this way  
you had control  
something you wished you had all your life  
something rare and cherished

objectively speaking you may only a small sliver of it  
but the.. arrangement (if you could even call it that) gave your more control often than before  
and maybe you felt sick a lot of the time  
but  
it was better 

\---

he'd punish you a lot  
and in more ways than one  
if you slipped up or forgotten something  
but sometimes you didn't even know why he did it  
and you didn't ever bother asking for an explanation

one of the worse of these times is when you told him you fell in love with your best friend, john  
he didn't take it too kindly

strifes were fine  
well terrible because you'd always get your ass kicked with multiple cuts, scrapes, and bruises littering your rather pale skin  
but you'd have semi even ground  
you were given a sword and you could use it  
you could try and prevent it  
emphasis on try

it wasn't exactly your favorite thing in the world  
but it wasn't the worst 

\---

then..  
then 

he died

his blood is on your hands

'your the worst'

'your a monster'

'yeah' you think bitterly 

'and an ungrateful one at that'

\---

you seem to have trouble breathing again

and your pretty goddamn sure its not some dumb fucking asthma

striders don't *get* asthma 

but you cannot deny having this thing where the world spins  
and your shaky and clammy and your heart rates beating faster and you honestly feel like your going to fucking die-

it stopped after a few minutes

hopefully it doesn't happen again 

\---

your not a weak person by any means  
you weren't raised to be one  
your strong , capable and very fuckin cool  
that's what you tell yourself  
it's not like you shy away from things  
well you guess you deflect sometimes but that's different  
you aren't a fucking pansy that's not what bro raised you as  
you are a man

you fight and protect  
you change time you fucking died and became a god  
your trapped with your friends in a death game and now your stuck on some dumbass metor hunk of rock flying in space and hang with these weird ass troll things

one day on the meteor when you all sort of were chilling tgoher in the main area of loungness  
like the living room of whatever 

you were (albeit reluctantly)opening up a bit more  
no thanks to rose though as she insists on picking apart everything you fucking say 

you slip up about your strifes with him  
the air is silent as there's a heavy pause  
the light atmospheric turned into a heavy and pitying one fast

you hate it.

you quickly abscond  
you feel a pairs of eyes on your back

honestly you don't know what to do right now  
they're so confusing  
you find out that their guardians aren't like you or your bro  
youre so confused

it's like everything you ever knew was being ripped apart  
crumbling into nothing  
what was even real anymore  
what was *normal?*

you're tired

\---

another bad thing about the meteor is that you and your room lack a sense of privacy  
which bothers you to no end

jumping when doors open or footsteps approach 

it was even worse when someone snuck up on you  
you almost fucking stabbed them

you think that's why you like karkat so much  
or well appreciate him (not that you'd admit it)  
he has a loud and undeniable presence around him  
you know where he is and usually what he's doing  
though maybe not so much what he's doing because usually all the insults he yells drowns out the purpose of said yelling

\---

somehow you find karkat starts hanging out with you and the mayor  
\---

and then karkat and you have become basically inseparable

you can tell the others don't fail to notice this

and you think your okay with that  
\---

you become moirails with karkat

\---

you don't know how to feel meeting him again  
to clarify you just met your ... bro  
but in a weird alternate universe young.. version of him  
you were the most suprised to find out he was... he liked dudes too  
though thinking about it now you aren't TOO surprised (you think?)  
but .. you don't know how to explain it  
you just met your bro who did (what you know now to be) unspeakable and terrible acts 

but you don't think you have it in you to completely blame him for it  
because he's... not bro  
not yours  
he's just some dumb fucked up kid, just like you are

you have a talk with him 

and you finally feel a tiny semblance of peace

\--

and with many elaborate shenanigans 

you all defeat the game

\---

you get to see john for the first time, in person  
and he looks a lot like the picture he would send  
but it's nothing like real life  
his blue eyes and messy black hair  
that lightly tanned skin with a few tiny scattered freckles 

you feel .. warm

your friends and others surrounding you 

it's nice

you step forward into the light 

\---  
somewhere along the lines, you and john start dating 

karkat is still your moirail 

and it's all okay

a heavy yet satisfying ache settles into your bones 

'this is okay' you think 

\---

you almost don't remember a time before the game  
most of those memories are suppressed or hazy 

you don't mind that honestly  
night terrors are still a thing, but that's ok 

you live with john and karkat in a small can house

everyone has split up into tinier groups  
but never fail to keep in touch of course

even if the game has ended you all still have your fair share of problems

actually you don't think anyone lives alone  
everyone is paired up at the very least , even though they can afford to live on their own 

and you can't blame them  
it's ... hard.. being alone with only your thoughts as company 

you really don't know what you'd do without karkat and john

not thatd you'd ever admit that of course 

\---

time passes by 

and you think something's been off with john lately

your concerned

you ask him about it

he brushes you away assuring you he's perfectly fine 

and for some dumb reason, you believe him

\---  
when you find out it's too late  
karkat had been busy with meetings and plans about building some more cab apartments and the like  
just responsibilities and shit

and john...  
has been more closed off than ever  
you could barely drag him outside  
his eyes looked dull with bags under his eyes  
it breaks your heart  
seeing one of the people you love most... so .. sad like that 

you just got back from getting groceries and..  
john...

his.  
he..  
the body is in the air, limp and lifeless 

you can't see anymore, vision fading around the edges and blurring into incomprehensible degrees

he's god tier! how did that happen how did it become like this- *why* why what-

in your panic everything drowns out  
it's all a blur now of muted surroundings and noises 

your not sure what you do next  
but you do know for sure that it was over  
for you and john

the cold embrace of death welcomes you

\---

you wake up sweating profusely, panic clear in your eyes  
bright and dull figures alike surround you in an unfamiliar place  
where are you  
where is this?!  
john?!?!  
they try and sooth you down  
it doesn't really work  
the only people you semi recognize  
you see dirk.. and some green troll girl and.. vriska ??

but even dirk and vriska look inexplicably different  
they may look mostly the same.. but there were changes.. and an.. air to them that was ..  
foreign 

\---

after many hours of explaining you realize-

... *fuck*

your stuck here  
without john  
or karkat  
or anyone from your timeline 

you regret doing what you did  
or not so much your actions, but the fates that made it turn out like this  
this **isnt** what you asked for 

and there's always a way the ones higher above you won't fuck it up 

you sit there silently 

cold

and you succumb to your painful fate


End file.
